Thursday, March 12, 2009

Feeling Like A Failure

Warning: this blog post is going to be somewhat depressing, so don't say that I didn't warn you in advance.

Right now, I feel like a total failure! Remember that job that I interviewed for & was offered? Well, after lots & LOTS of deliberation.....I didn't take it. There are so many reasons behind my decision.

For one, the pay.....$8.00 an hour. If you count my free gym membership, I make more than that an hour working at the gym!

Two.....the hours.....Mondays & Thursdays, I would have had to work 9:00 a.m. until 8:00 p.m., so basically 2 days a week, my whole day would have been spent at work. Then Tuesdays, Wednesdays & Fridays, the hours were from 9:00 a.m. until 6:00 p.m. so after my bowling league is finished this season, they told me that I wouldn't have been able to bowl in the league next year. I love that league & really can't imagine not bowling in it! I also would have had to quit working at the gym, not to mention the fact that I don't know how I would have fit exercising into my schedule. I'm not done losing all the weight yet & I'm not about to give up now, either!

Third.....the drive......25-30 miles one way. I probably could have handled the drive because I do love driving, but I also think it would have gotten old after a while. Not to mention the gas costs, the wear & tear on my car, etc.

Fourth, and probably the main health! I got the test results back from my doctor & 2 of them came back positive that I do indeed have some sort of inflammatory disease. The question still remains.....what disease is it? Is it RA? Or something else? I have an appointment on the 25th with a Rheumatologist & hopefully, I will get some answers when I see her. Until then, I never know when this is going to flare up on me. It started again last week & my doctor gave me an anti-inflammatory drug which is helping, but I just feel like I can't make any commitments until I can get this, whatever it is, under control. Luckily, my current job has been very understanding! For that, I am extremely thankful!

So while I do feel like a failure right now for not giving this opportunity a chance, I gotta keep telling myself that I did the right thing......the right thing for me.....the right thing for my family.....the right thing for my health! I did!



Denise said...

Oh, Benita, please don't feel like a failure. Only you know what's truly best for you. I understand the feelings associated with a disease and I know how that feeling can bring you down. You have a very supportive and loving husband and I guarantee he doesn't see you as a failure. He is probably upset that you see yourself that way. Richard has been through a lot with me and gets upset when I am too hard on myself. Cut yourself a break and know that you are doing the right thing.

Your friend, Denise

Darcey said...

You Are Not A Failure!! Your health right now, as it always should be, is your number one priority. You are going to need rest and as well as Dr appointments and tests. It really wouldn't be fair to your employer if you said yes, because you don't know where this inflammatory disease will take you. If they spent $$ as well as time and energy training you and you quit, that would be worse for them. You made the right decision. Please don't feel like you ever need to justify your actions to us, your friends:) Any good friend will support you no matter what decision you make and regardless of their thoughts on it. Hang in there and may the answers come quick!

Sue said...

you are not a failure! Sometimes things don't work out for a reason. Take the time to take care of you.

Linda said...

Don't feel like a failure. Doing what is best for you and your family is what is important. Everything will work out for you in the end. I hope you are feeling better soon.

Aimeslee said...

First of all, I didn't get a visit from you. I'm devastated ( a little). :-(( winkwink

Second of all, RA is one of the arthritii I have. I hope you aren't remembering that and recoiling in horror, like omg, I might end up like Aimes! LOL Okay, just kidding, although not blaming you a bit if you did. winkwink

Seriously, whatever you have, it is manageable, but it will change your life as you know it. Sucks that your insurance is so statistics-driven. Ask your doc if he can insist on Celebrex if this first combo doesn't perform well enough.

And, it's not going to make the pain totally go away. You're going to have to learn how to just live with some pain 24/7 and feeling like a mack truck hit you somewhere on your body first thing every day.

Other than that, girl, its all good - not! ROFL I always say, at least it's not cancer....ya know? {{{hugs}}} xoxo

Janet said...

Oh, my goodness, are DEFINITELY NOT a failure! In fact, it sounds to me like you've made a very smart decision! And you are on the road to figuring out the problem so that it can be treated and managed. Hang tight and keep us posted!

Carol said...

You are not a failure! You made an educated decision based on how it would affect many aspects of your life.

Sarah C. said...

Benita, you are definitely not a failure. Sounds like you thought through and made a very careful decision. So sorry to hear that some of the tests came back positive. I do hope this means the doctors will find answers for you soon. ((HUGS)) Keeping you in my prayers.

Kim said...

{{{Benita}}} You are not a failure. You put yourself and your health first. As parents, we sometimes forget to take care of ourselves because we are so busy taking care of everyone else. Keep up the good work at the gym. I'm not loving it yet but I am staying committed. I have gone to every session and gave it my all. Even though I ache afterward, I feel much better.